I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
