My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
