you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
