the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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