I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You are the jesus of drinking
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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