I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
