Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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