there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
