You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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