Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
