i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
