she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
