I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
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What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
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Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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