last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
