Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
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She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
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Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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