I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
