You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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