I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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