I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
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