im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
