all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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