8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
