May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
