Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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