we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
