my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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