So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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