Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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