Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
