I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
