If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
