My first STD was from a foam party
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
