woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
