woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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