Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
