her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
BRING THE BAGELS
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
