I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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