You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
