i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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