You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
