The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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