this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
