My hand turned me down
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
