she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
