I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
