The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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