I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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