I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
