I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So many bounce houses so little time
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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