Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
