I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
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You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
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Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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