I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
