Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
